You may have read in the news today a story about a woman emailing her stepson’s fiancé to give her some etiquette pointers. If you haven’t seen the story, click here to read.
This is an interesting case. I completely agree with what Mrs Bourne, the mother-in-law, says. All of her points are technically correct. It is the way in which it was handled that, sadly, lets her argument down.
Doing the job I do I am constantly looking at how people behave and making mental notes and observations (although, I should just say, not as often as people think – I do switch off socially, honest!) But if I dared to tell people my thoughts and highlight which rule they had just breached I would lose a lot of friends very quickly. It’s what I like to call ‘the politeness paradox’: it’s rude to tell someone that they are being rude (even though in the long-term it may benefit them).
Carolyn Bourne
The tone of Mrs Bourne’s email was probably the definition of bluntness and there was no softening of anything. This may be down to a generational difference. Older members of my family will sometimes say things to a younger generation that is not considered politically correct, or that is (on the surface) quite cutting and nasty. Nine times out of ten they are not meaning to come across like that, it is simply that they were brought up (rightly or wrongly) in a much more direct and ‘speak your mind’ way (partly as there were fewer laws and social codes telling them otherwise).
I would be very surprised if the accused of Mrs Bourne’s email (Heidi Withers) decides to marry her fiancé now that this has become a national news story and she seems to come out of it badly. That said, Mrs Bourne hardly comes out smelling of roses. I think it’s six of one and half a dozen of the other.
A hard one to call as to who is right and who is wrong. Who do you think is right?
LATEST: Read my further thoughts that I gave to the BBC News website’s article on the story. Click here to read. | Read William’s further opinion for Channel 4 News. Click here to read.
Tags: age, carolyn bourne, Countess of Grantham, downton abbey, email, England, etiquette, expert, family, fiance, heidi withers, manners, mother-in-law, protocol, stepson, UK, uncouth, wedding
Well written as always, William. And, I completely agree with you. I call this type of behavior as “boorish”. It is unfortunate, because the mother, as you say, was technically correct and could have helped the young lady. But with that tactic… Oh my! It is also unfortunate that it is now so public. It is hurtful on so many levels and is a great illustration of why netiquette is important. We shouldn’t write anything we wouldn’t want posted in the most public place. Thank you William for sharing this with all of us.
There was a flower lady called Bourne
Whose missives were subject to scorn
Her curtain lecture got published
Her chintz sofa was rubbished
That poor old parvenu called Bourne.
The full-text of the e-mail shows that the mother-in-law was aware that the girl has diabetes and yet accuses her of using it to draw attention to herself, criticises her for saying what foods she could and couldn’t eat, and criticises her again for taking extra food without being invited. While some diabetics manage their insulin levels easily, others find that type 1 diabetes can be difficult to manage to ensure that both glucose and insulin levels are balanced, especially when someone else is preparing the food. Diabetics often require larger portions of some items (non starchy vegetables) and smaller portions of others (proteins). A considerate hostess would have taken advice from the guest on her dietary needs and also advised the guest to leave anything that was unsuitable; she should also have advised the guest to take any additional helpings as needed to avoid the difficulty of the guest becoming unwell at the dinner table or later.
It is an extremely inconsiderate hostess that doesn’t ask guests beforehand if they have special dietary requirements or, when she knows about them, chooses to ignore them to push her own agenda.